SONNET 14
by Two Guns and a Knife
Summary: A story about love, dreams, choices, mistakes, and regrets. No theme song required.
1. A Woman's Tear

**A Woman's Tear**

The raindrops on her face look like tears.

She made a decision. She made a choice. She made a mistake. Her tears dried. Her heart breaks. Yet everything remains the same. Nothing, nothing, ever changed. Morning. Breakfast. School bus. Kids. Dog. Laundry. Dishes. Dinner. Garbage. Toilet paper. TV. Sex. Stupid reality show. Silly paperback romance. She closes her eyes and tries to laugh. She has grown old now. Life has lost the sparks. Garlic. Pizza. Oregano. Meatball sub. Friday night supper. Mashed potatoes. Gravy. Pasta. Pot roast. Six o'clock sharp. All she has is regrets. She has lost her chance. Noisy kids. Puking dog. Hairy husband. A match made in Heaven. A common happiness. A life she accepts but never wants. She is, after all, her mother's child.

Her eyes follow the sleek black car.

He's back in town. With a bride. With a cat. With a child. He doesn't change much, his eyes still bright as stars. She still remembers his smile, his warmth, his lips, and the touch of his hands. Something tears inside of her. Something cracks. Something burns. Something shatters. Jealousy. Primitive emotions. She looks down at her flowery summer dress. Cheap sandals. Long pale lonely toes. Time and tide wait for no one. Que sera, sera. What is done, is done. No turning back. The sands of time. The hot breeze blows in her face. The sugary buttery scent escapes from the bakery where she lost her virginity. Car horns. Street noises. She stands all alone in the rain on the pavement by the busy road. Her soul feels cold. She's a mother and a wife now. Duties. Obligations. Responsibilities. Sacrifices. Decisions and choices. Free will and mistakes. It's not the life she ever wanted. She thinks of the faces of her three children. She feels the weight of the cupcakes and doughnuts.

It makes her sad.


	2. A Woman's Fear

**A Woman's Fear**

_"Go." He says. "Now."_

_"No." Her voice is very quiet. She'd rather die here, right by his side. She can't live with herself if she leaves him behind and he never makes it back._

_She stares at him with wide wild eyes. Fear. Resolution. And something else. She's so beautiful and so stubborn. He almost sighs. "Babe," He says, his voice calm and soft, his eyes dark and bright. "Please."_

_A drop of tear falls down her too pale face. Her sky blue eyes become misty and glass-like. She grabs hold of her gun, with shaking hands. She can't live without him. She won't let him die. "No." She shakes her head. "No."_

_They fall silent. They stare at each other. They sense the change in the air. They hear the footsteps. He closes his eyes for a brief second and collects himself. He pulls her behind him so that she can hide in the shadow. It's too late now. They are seriously outnumbered. Her hands keep shaking. She manages not to drop her gun. She tells herself to take careful aim, and not to close her eyes. He has to find a way to keep her safe. He has to find a way to stay alive. The men come closer and closer. She blinks back her fear. She never understands why she's so talented in attracting dangerous thugs and crazy people. If only she's as calm as he is. If only she's as strong—_

_Suddenly the shooting begins. The world freezes around her. She can't move a finger. She can't feel a muscle. She doesn't know if she's still breathing. One man down, silently. Two men down, blood everywhere. The ugly smell of gunpowder. Death. Cool. Calm. Emotionless. The man she's been in love with. The man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. The man who carries two guns and a sharp, sharp knife. The man who has no time for serious/long term relationship. The man who, right now at this very moment, is colder and more merciless than Batman and Joker. Mercenary. Passionate lover. Trained killer. Mentor. Opportunist. She can't make a sound when he drops his gun and starts using the second one. The scent of blood is so dense. She can't see very clear. Her head is dizzy. The small gun feels so cold and so heavy in her wet trembling hands—_

_A man jumps out of nowhere and raises his Uzi. She can't think. She can't breathe. She pulls, and pulls, and pulls the trigger. The man's face explodes and he falls down. She looks at the bald ordinary-looking dead man. She also hit him in his heart, or some place near enough, twice. All the time she spent, with him, in the underground garage paid off. She wants to laugh. She lets out a strange awkward little sound. She wonders if the dead man has, had, a kid and a wife. The noises have done some damage to her ears. She has no idea when it all stopped. She turns her head, just in time, to see him thrust his knife into a screaming man's chest, and then cuts another man's throat open. She gasps at the gurgling sound._

_He slowly turns around. The wild wild beast stares out from the deep hard eyes. Her soul cracks a little. She blinks. She throws up. She remains quiet as he sets fire to the silent warehouse. She knows he never wanted her to see him like this. She knows they can't leave a trace. She feels frightened, tired, confused, disgusted. She can't bring herself to meet his eyes. She feels ashamed of herself. She tries hard not to think of the dead men's faces. She, too, has killed someone. To save him. To save herself. To save their love..._

She wakes up in the dim darkness. Joe is snoring by her side. Another dream. Another night. Another faked orgasm.

She tries not to cry.


	3. A Woman's Dream

**A Woman's Dream**

She turns fer face into the golden sun. The dog has fallen asleep. The house is very quiet. It's just another morning in her life. Soon she will head out shopping for food and grocery. Time flies by. But things will never change. She looks down at her wedding ring. She knows she's not going to take it off. She's in too deep. There'll be no way out. No matter how hard she's willing to try. She's trapped. It's tough being a wife and mom. It's tedious always having to clean up after someone. Her heart lurches every time she hears her mother-in-law laugh. She grabs her keys and locks the door behind her. She thinks of her parents as she starts the engine. She forces a smile on her face as she thinks of her Grandma.

She should have taken Grandma's advice. She wouldn't have ended up like this. She wouldn't be tied up. She would still be free. One mistake led to another. One bad decision came after another. By the time she woke up from the Land of Denial, it was too late. She simply didn't have enough courage to run away from her second wedding. She dared not hurt Joe's feelings. She couldn't break her mother's heart. What would her father think? What would people say? She was just not sure if she was brave enough to wait for someday. And now, she stops the car and suddenly feels bored and guilty and lonely and half-dead, this is all she has. Does she really love her children with no reservation? She cannot say. She can't tell anyone about how she feels. She knows they won't understand. They will look at her like she's a soulless monster. She'll be deemed an abomination. She does loves her husband and kids but, alas, not enough. She still remembers the smile on Ranger's face the last time she saw him before her wedding. She saw the truth in his eyes. He wasn't ready for marriage yet. He didn't lie. He was being honest. Too honest. He gave no false promise, and she was too afraid to wait.

_Oh, Stephanie, _the sneaky little voice whispers in her ear, _you should have waited._

She puts 3 loaves of Wonder Bread into her shopping cart. She no longer feels guilty for thinking that. She can't help wondering what sharing a life with Ranger would be like. When did he change his mind? Why did he decide to settle down? Where did he meet wife? How did they fall in love? What is her name? How old is she? Did he marry her because of the child? Why did he leave? Why did he come back? She has tons of questions. She doesn't know if she really wants to know the answers. Does he still think of her sometimes? She joins the checkout line and searches for her coupons. Sometimes she wishes she can run away. Sometimes she just wants to die in misery. Sometimes she tells herself to look the other way. She pays for her purchase and walks toward the door. She now has her mother's warm, unrattled smile. She now understands her father's silence. The only difference is that she doesn't have a bottle of whiskey hidden in her kitchen cabinet. She has become somewhat addicted to this painful numbness. The shopping bags feel heavy in her hands.

She saved 6 dollars and 58 cents today.


	4. A Woman's Song

**A Woman's Song**

She makes dinner and then packs a bag. She will leave a lot behind.

She feeds the dog and fills the water bowl. She walks out of the house and locks the door. She gets in her car and drives, with no specific destination in mind. She tries hard not to turn her head. She may change her mind if she looks back. She made a tough decision. She wants to live by that. Even though she knows no one will be home when the school bus drops the kids off. The mashed potatoes will be dry. The pot roast will be cold. The boys will ask their father, "Where is Mom?" And nope, Joe won't have an answer for that. It's just another Monday. Nothing is unusual. Dinner is already on the table. She put her cell phone and wedding ring on the night stand by her side of the bed. She steps on the gas as the light changes. She doesn't like being selfish but life left her no choice. She wants a life of her own. She wants to live solely for herself. She doesn't want to care or worry about what other people say, think, and feel. She doesn't stop for a burger when her stomach growls. She keeps driving forward. She will have to stop somewhere eventually and buys herself food, clothes, shoes, and a new cell phone. She will spend a night at a cheap but clean motel.

It's Ranger's birthday, and she doesn't want to be Mrs. Joe Morelli anymore...


	5. A Woman's Place

**A Woman's Place**

She melts into the city. Like a drop of rain returns to the silent sea. She walks among the people in the streets, feeling safe, calm, and empty. In a place full of new kinds of despairs and all kinds of chances. She feels eerily at home here. She's found a job and a place to live. She's now a quiet waitress. The small diner smells of coffee. She doesn't mind working long hours. She enjoys having conversation with complete strangers. Sometimes she dreams of her old dreams. She never calls home. She knows she has injured Joe's pride. He won't come for her. She doesn't expect his forgiveness. She tries not to think of the kids. She's no longer young. She doesn't have forever. She has no excuses. She had no other choice. She did what she had to do. She needed to save herself. She was being selfish. A part of her will always hate herself for that. A part of her will always feel happy. She is still hurting but she's now free. She can't ask more than that.

She never really wanted to become a mother. She still doesn't like burdens. Sometimes when she wakes up and looks herself in the mirror, she takes notice of how ugly she feels. She can see the guilt in those misty blue eyes. Maybe it's all her fault. Maybe she's not the only one to blame. Maybe Joe, too, is responsible. He's a smart man who knows what he wants. He knows how to get what he wants. He knew she couldn't say no. He knew her heart was not exactly there. He knew she was overwhelmed. But he did nothing. He said nothing. He kept his silence while things unfolded. He loved being a husband. He enjoyed being a daddy. He was glad he had a home to go back to. He was glad there would always be hot meals. He played his hand well. He knew she was not entirely happy and he believed sooner or later she would, eventually, learn to cope. He was too busy living his dream life. She'd made her choice. She had to pay the price. Like everyone else.

She puts a pleasant smile on her face and greets a regular customer. She's tired of the blaming game. And she didn't want to end up like everyone else. She still doesn't. One day she will have to go back. One day she will have to come face to face with the boys. Her parents won't understand. Her sister won't understand. Her son, more than probably, won't understand. Maybe they won't be able to forgive her. But that's okay. It's the punishment she deserves. They have every right to slam the door in her face. Her smile deepens.

She takes the order from a table of two Latino men. Coffee and blueberry pies. She thinks of a day she spent with Ranger. He has his own life now. She doesn't even know his wife's name. She looks out the window. It starts to rain. She thinks of the stray cat she sometimes feeds. Her landlord is not crazy about animals, but some of her neighbors have pets. Maybe she will adopt one and named it Rex. Maybe she should take in the stray. She likes his bright green eyes. She wants to name him Alexei, the perfect name for a homeless prince. If only she can turn back time. If only she can have another chance. Had she not been such a coward. Had she been more honest with herself. Right now she just wants to live one day at a time, and to try not to be swallowed by regrets. An old couple leaves her a handsome tip. She gives them a small finger wave.

When will she stop running away? Will she ever stop running? She has no idea.

**~THE END~**


	6. Epilogue

******~Epilogue~**

**A Child's Eyes**

They don't talk about their mother. They have learned to be afraid of their father's silence and sudden anger. Sometimes Grandpa will come and take them to a game of the Trenton Thunder. Their grandmothers are still not talking to each other. Their aunts come and smile and hug them tight. They like the casseroles, pasta salads, pizzas, cookies, cakes, and pot roasts. Sometimes their friends or other kids at school will ask silly questions. Sometimes they lie. Sometimes they frown. Sometimes they simply ignore the questions for they don't have an answer. They do enjoy walking the dog. They do enjoy watching TV while waiting for their father to come home. They tried but their mother's number is no longer in use. They have stopped asking why. They have grown used to her absence. Somehow they realize she wasn't quite there when she was still home. She always had something on her mind, it seems. But they are still too young to understand the concept of depression and unhappiness. Still, they miss her. They hope one day, when they wake up in the morning, she'll be already home. Every day, after school, they hope and pray that she will call. They hope, and hope, and cry at night. They grow taller and start feeling the bitterness. They demand an explanation.

"It's complicated." Uncle Albert looks uneasy and awkward when Aunt Val finally says. The sympathy in their cousins' eyes make them mad and sadder. They don't want to wait any more. They want to shout, to yell, to smash the house and the furniture. They hate all the hurtful stories and rumours. They want to punch someone. Their father starts dating. They don't like the women he brings home. They don't need another mother. They already have one. And they hate and yet still love her. They grow up and one by one leave home. They come to different cities and never stop looking for the familiar wild curly hair and the familiar blue eyes. It's been years but they still remember her smile.

They are the Morelli boys.


	7. Bonus Chapter

******~Bonus Chapter~**

**Everybody Loves Fairy Tales: If I Have A Little Girl**

**Just Another Cupcake Story**

Even from up here inside her small bedroom she can still hear her sister sobbing. Sometimes she hopes they made a horrible mistake hospital the day she was born and mixed up the babies. And one day her true parents will finally arrive and save her from this destiny. No, she doesn't want to be the sole heir of a rich family or a lost princess. She just doesn't want to be a Morelli. What she has heard and witnessed over the years disgusts her and she feels she doesn't belong here in this family. She can't wait to grow up and be free to leave. Both her Grandmas are crazy. She hates her mother's lame smiles and casual shrugs. She hates it when her father comes home drunk, crooks his finger and says, "Cupcake, come over here." The mixed scent of beer and sweet cheap perfume makes her sick. Dad has been cheating on Mom and they all know about it. Steve, her only brother and the oldest of the three of them, thinks it's no big deal:_ Dad is a Morelli. Your argument is invalid, sis. _Well, Steve has Dad's smile and eyes is out tonight on a date with one of his many girlfriends and Mary Ann, her always perfect elder sister, has just found out she's not that lucky: she's seventeen and pregnant and the father of the future bundle of joy has left town to join the Marines.

Yep, Mom's eye did start to twitch and Grandma Helen is definitely going to look up toward the ceiling and ask, "Why me?"

She turns on the computer and stares at the screen but still can't concentrate. She knows she's not Dad's favorite and she misses Grandpa terribly. Something broke inside her the day Grandpa died and from time to time she still dreams of him and cries in her sleep. She has stopped watching baseball and cheering for the Yankees. She doesn't want to think of the day Grandpa took her to New York for a day game and bought her a blue cotton candy. It is the best day of her life and she still remembers Grandpa's happy smile, the loud cheering crowd, the taste of the ice cream, and the summer heat. But she hates feeling helpless. She hates feeling lonely. Her name is Bella Melissa Morelli. She's only fourteen. One day she'll have enough courage to ask Mom why she followed Dad into the garage that day so many years ago. And she hates cupcakes. And nope, she really, REALLY, doesn't want to be a Morelli.


End file.
